Tuesday, January 3, 2017

An Honest Day

It’s a day like any other day.
I plan this week’s meals, make a grocery list and finish my coffee.
I put on galoshes and drive to the store, 10 miles in the rain. 
I check the eggs, weigh the apples, and decide against salmon. Maybe next week.
It’s a day like any other day. Only sadder.

After I put away the groceries
and drive 14 miles to the gym, I
work up a sweat and wait for the endorphins to kick in.
They don’t always, despite the hype.

I get home and pull the condolence cards out of the mailbox.
Reading through them makes me feel better and
Worse at the same time. 
So I cry.
I cry and wonder how my daughter-in-law is and 
what my grandchildren are doing.

I cry like I’ve done nearly every day for the past
41 days since my son took his last breath,
Since I felt his skin grow cool under my hand,
Since I kissed his forehead for each of his grandparents, his uncles, his aunts,
I cry like I’ve done nearly every day for the past
41 days since I finally let go of hope.

Crying is now part of my daily routine.
I take time for it.
It’s a day like any other day, only sadder.
And dinner still needs to be made.


  1. Jennifer - I can't begin to feel your sadness. I send prayers and hugs to you and Rex.

  2. Sending love and hugs to you guys, Jennifer. Thank you for writing this honest piece. xoxo

  3. And there will be many more days of tears. But one day you'll realize you didn't cry that day, or that you woke up and your first thought was about something other than your son. Or that you laughed a lot that day. And you might feel guilty about that, though you know shouldn't. For us, 12 years later it's still not easy at times, but it is .... different. Not so oppressively gloomy every day. But damn it's hard.

    Grace's (and Spencer's) dad

    1. Different is a good way to describe it. Thank you for the encouragement, I fear I will always need it. And I cannot believe it's been 12 years already for you, Lisa and Spencer.


As always, your comments are welcomed and insights appreciated.